[WARNING: LONG POST AND MINDLESS RAMBLING]
So, guess I should start with I'm glad that I finally got off for the semester (actually been off since Wednesday). This semester wasn't too bad, but definitely stressful one. Just too many problems rising for some reason, whether it be something personal or something school related. And well now I sorta feel bad but good at the same time since well I finally decided to skip the next semester, hell might just get my Associates and finish with a joke of a community college. Honestly it's not like the college was helping me anyway, mostly just kept changing what classes I needed to take and what was 'recommended'. So hopefully without worrying about school now I can try and talk with the University that I want to go to. I guess the only few reasons why I even feel bad for leaving is because 1) I sorta feel incomplete and like I wasted my time, hell I guess if I went for an Associates first then transfer (instead of trying to transfer right away like I had done now) I probably already be at my ideal school and 2) wouldn't get to hang out or see much of friends anymore now(though honestly I guess that isn't that important, just means less friends to meet up with). But what's done is done, and I just hope it goes well when I go talk to the school about getting my degree instead, make this a lot easier than what it needs to be.
The only other thing I want say is, again, I noticed how I'm just keeping away from friends and family. Really I'm hoping this is just a mood that I can get over soon, as the holidays are around the corner. This started since mid September since I realized a lot of my relationships with friends and family weren't going so well. Even wound up breaking up with my partner because of various reasons which I won't say since they actually took it pretty well, even stayed as friends. Which although admitting it felt like some weight was lifted off, still didn't stop the stress others would give me. My relationship with my family hasn't been all that good, been actually fighting a lot with them and getting mad at them in general. As for friends, well I kinda feel like I'm everyone's counselor that no one gives two fucks for. Like, a lot of people that I consider from acquaintances to barely friends, seem to come over and ask me for advice. Which honestly I wouldn't mind, if it weren't for the fact they do the exact opposite for the advice I give them. And again wouldn't bother me too much if let's say they went ahead and asked a few others for advice, too what we said and just picked whichever felt right to them. But nope, turns out I'm the only one they go to, maybe the second person they ask. And here's what really bugs me from these 'friends' of mine that do this. Literally on the day they ask for my input on something, the next day or two they do what the exact opposite of what I suggested. At least try what I suggest or hell don't ask if you don't even take it to consideration. As an example of this, Friend A is more or less trying to get over their ex (let's call them DoucheBag A) since their relationship didn't go all that well. I suggest that hanging out with friends or at least do or go somewhere that would take their mind off things. But friend decides to tell me 'no that won't work' without even trying and turns out that two days later, they got back with DoucheBag A. I mean, okay why did you even ask me if you pretty much are telling me to fuck myself and you'll do what you want. I'm pretty when you ask for advice it takes time to think about it or better yet at least try out what they said. But yeah, maybe I'm taking it too personal, but this is something that really irks me. And this doesn't make it any better when my closest friends are also feeling down in the dumps and I feel useless because either they don't tell me anything or don't want anyone to do anything thus making themselves feel shitty and me at the same time. Fuck, some even told me that I 'wouldn't understand' or 'I'd just judge them on their decisions'. Like how the hell am I suppose to feel after being told something like that? Again, perhaps taking it personally but then it's like, why are you guys wondering why I don't want to hang out or be near any of you if this is the shit you do this to me? Only one or two friends haven't been treating me like some ragdoll so I honestly start feeling bad that I ignore them or don't hang out with them.
I guess the worst part of all this, I have such conflicting feels. One day, I just want everyone everywhere to leave me alone, don't want them to talk to me, or pretend I don't exist but then the next day I feel lonely and dumb because I'll want someone with me. Then I'll start thinking about going into a relationship again but then tell myself it's not worth the stress or no one's gonna want to be with me. Makes it worse being in a small town, so either everyone's in a relationship already or they might be someone you went out with already that you know that getting back together won't solve anything. Long distance also has been taboo-ish for me because I have tried it before and really it never works out. I don't know I feel dumb if I'd jump back into a relationship but at the same time lonely because then everyone else is happy with their boyfriends/girlfriends (especially when more than half your friends happen to always go out with their partners).
I'm hoping after finishing this post, to take my mind off things I can get back into drawing. And to help bring up my mood too as I brought up in the beginning, I'll be going to ALA soon. It'll be my first time going but a few friends of mine (that aren't the ones making me go crazy) have gone before so I hope not to get completely lost. Dunno if I'll be cosplaying for that or not, but again glad the friends I'm going with are more or less telling me they can lend me some of theirs. But I guess I'll just wait and see. Last thing, because the holidays are coming up, I'm hoping to have enough money to buy myself Pokemon Omega Ruby/Alpha Sapphire. I've been quiet obsessed with that, so crossing my fingers to get it. If I do get it, I'll be sure to make a journal for it to trade friend codes since I love battling with friends!
Well, that's about all I have to say. Thanks to anyone who took their time to read all this mess of a journal. Kinda feel bad for having you guys read this much, I feel like I should make it up to you all Perhaps I will, I honestly do feel bad for anyone that had to read this. But again, thanks so much for taking the time to read and I shall be going back to doing my requests and point commissions!
Hopefully on a better note next time,